Patrick O’Hearn on Catholic Courtship
From Part Seven: Where to start with Marriage?
About the Author
The following is an Excerpt from The Courtship of the Saints (2023) by Patrick O’Hearn. Reprinted by kind permission of TAN Books. Find more of Patrick O’Hearn’s work at www.patrickrohearn.com.
Courtship Defined
“Since marriage is beautifully sacred, so should be the courtship that precedes it. Your courtship must be pure if it is to be happy; and pure and happy, it will provide the test of character that is necessary for a blessed and a happy marriage. Only too frequently an improper courtship results in an unhappy marriage.”[1]
—Father Lawrence G. Lovasik, SVD
The word “courtship” carries a sense of mystery and valor, such as a knight clad in armor rescuing a distressed maiden from her looming, unhappy, arranged marriage. Not surprisingly, courtship harkens back to the medieval area. The term, introduced in the 1570s, meant “behavior of a courtier,” from the words “court” and “ship.” A courtier was a person who attended the court as an adviser to the king or queen. During the sixteenth century, courtship was referred to as “the wooing of a woman, attention paid by a man to a woman with the intention of winning her affection and ultimately her consent to marriage.”[2]
In 1830, courtship was described as a time when couples developed a romantic relationship with marriage as the end goal. In other words, courtship is a means to an end. From a Catholic perspective, courtship is a period of serious discernment when a man and a woman determine whether to enter the Sacrament of Matrimony together.
The question of how long a courtship should last will be discussed in detail below; for now let us consider some great general advice on this issue from Father Lawrence G. Lovasik, SVD: “While the Church warns against courtships of undue brevity, she likewise counsels against those of excessive length. No hard and fast rule can be laid down determining the exact length of courtship. It should be of sufficient duration to allow young people to learn the character and disposition of each other quite well.”[3]
At the heart of courtship lies a discernment of the other’s virtue or lack thereof. It is a litmus test of sorts. Whether the person is attractive or has a lot of money is not a reason for choosing to marry someone. Unfortunately, these are the primary reasons many do marry, and they are some of the many reasons why divorce is so prevalent.
Since many readers of this book are discerning marriage, the following quote from the Venerable Fulton Sheen is too rich to omit. He declared,
Beauty in a woman and strength in a man are two of the most evident spurs to love. Physical beauty and vitality increase vigor in each other, but it is to be noticed that beauty in a woman and strength in a man are given by God to serve purposes of allurement. They come at that age of life when men and women are urged to marry one another. They are not permanent possessions. They are something like frosting on a cake, or like the electric starter of an automobile motor. If love were based only on the fact that she is a model and he is a fullback on the football team, marriage would never endure. But just as frosting on the cake leads to the cake itself, so too do these allurements pass on to greater treasures.
Once on congratulating a wife who had a very handsome husband we heard her reply: “I no longer notice that he is handsome; I notice now that he has greater qualities.”[4]
The greater qualities, the virtues, are the magnets that draw holy couples to each other and keep them bound for life with God’s grace. When the body breaks down, love remains. At the same time, one ought to be attracted to their spouse. But attraction, like the “bells and smells” at Holy Mass, ought to lead one deeper into the heart of the person, just as those qualities of the Mass lead one deeper into the Eucharistic Heart of Christ.
Courtship looks to the future—to eternity. Courtship asks the following questions: Does this person have virtue? Is this the best person to lead me—and, God willing, my future children—to heaven? Does this person have what it takes spiritually, emotionally, and financially? Specifically, does he attend Mass every Sunday? Does he pray daily? Does he go to confession regularly? Does he avoid mortal sin? Does he have a good relationship with his family?[5] Ultimately, does this person desire to become a saint with me?
Dating, on the other hand, focuses mostly on the present and forgets the ultimate purpose of meeting someone special: to enter into a holy marriage. Because some people use dating and courtship interchangeably, the lines have become blurred. According to author Beth Bailey, “the first recorded uses of the word date in modern meaning are from lower-class slang,” by way of Chicago author George Ade in 1896.[6] During the beginning of the twentieth century, dating referred to lower-class men and women going out in public.[7] In the years leading up to World War II, dating had nothing to do with sex or marriage, but was more of a measure of one’s popularity.[8] Today, our over-sexualized world has made it worse. When asking a woman out, many men are only concerned with that night and how far they can go. A person interested in dating typically has no real desire to preserve virginity or grow in virtue because the moment is all that counts.[9] There are no fast rules for dating, while courtship involves a more formal process.
Because dating is less “formal” than courtship, it seems more concerned with the externals: Where did he go to college? What is his profession? What type of car does he drive? How physically fit is he? Does he share my interests? Is he a Democrat or a Republican? This is the secular world’s checklist for finding a future spouse. Little is said about God or virtue.
On the other hand, the Catholic Church and her shepherds like Venerable Fulton Sheen have stressed the beauty of chastity and purity when it comes to marriage preparation. Most notably, Sheen highlights four phases of life: togetherness, separation, crystallization, and courtship.[10]
Togetherness involves the innocence of two children playing together. This phase occurs when children are very young. During the separation stage, boys and girls distance themselves from each other, allowing them to develop their proper psychological and physical qualities. In crystallization, they bestow upon each other various positive qualities. They begin to adore one another. They begin to desire infinite happiness, but they error by “placing the infinite in the finite,” looking on each other as “gods” or “angels.”[11] They are interested in the opposite sex but are chiefly concerned with their physical appearance. They become “experts” of love, and they consider their parents ignorant of it.
During courtship, Sheen mentions the notion of affinity—an interest in the opposite sex that goes beyond physical attraction. Sheen declares, “The real test is . . . if they can share not only the joys of life, but also the frustrations.”[12] This is the first condition. Then comes the test of sacrifice. If the man is selfish before marriage, then he will likely continue so. That is why a woman should look for a spirit of sacrifice in her future spouse, according to Sheen. When discerning his spouse, the man should ask: “Has she femininity? . . . Every woman was made to be a mother: either physically or spiritually.”[13] Sheen challenges the man to look for “depth” that transcends beauty. Is she able to pass along her virtues, her faith, and her knowledge to her children? “The more a woman is holy, the more she is a woman.”[14] If the couple prays together, they will be of one heart and of one mind.
Father Chad Ripperger also defines four stages of courtship, though his stages differ somewhat from those of Bishop Sheen.[15] According to Father Ripperger, the four stages of courtship include: friendship, courtship, betrothal/engagement, and marriage.[16] These stages are more widely known today in traditional circles compared to Sheen’s stages. Throughout the courtship process, a father must protect his daughter’s honor.[17] He becomes the gatekeeper and watchman over his daughter’s soul. And his daughter’s soul is far more precious than any material possession he seeks to protect. His primary duty then is to make sure the potential suitor is “honorable.”[18] A father’s primary question then becomes, “Will he (the potential suitor) actually help my daughter save her soul?”[19]
The friendship stage of courtship lasts around three to six months, though this time can vary. No affection occurs during this stage in order to maintain the couple’s “clarity of judgment.”[20] The most important thing is whether the person has adequate virtue. One indication of virtue is if they can avoid affection during this stage and the next. Virtue will endure, not good looks, love at first sight, or even the greatest chemistry. Discovering virtue in the other person occurs in all of the stages of the courtship, because what you see now in your potential spouse is what you will see later in life. Good habits and bad habits do not disappear easily.
Besides identifying virtue in the man, the woman ought to see if he can financially support her. And just because both couples have virtue does not necessarily mean that you must move to the next stage. Perhaps there is little chemistry, little attraction, or a dislike of the other’s temperament. These factors must be considered along with promptings from the Holy Spirit.
Near the end of the friendship stage, the man and woman should observe the other’s relationship with their family. The way a person treats his or her parents will likely be the way they treat their spouse. When you marry someone, you also marry into his or her family. The problems and generational sins of his family, but especially those he grapples with, could likely impact your marriage.[21] Marriage requires a great deal of virtue and supernatural grace to combat the rise of divorce and secular influences.
After the friendship stage comes courtship, initiating exclusivity.[22] A man ought to ask permission from the father to court his daughter. Like the friendship stage, courtship lasts around three to six months. Furthermore, the couple continues to avoid being alone together and shows no affection, a counter-cultural witness that seems extreme in our time. However, Father Ripperger reminds us that affection creates bonding and, therefore, terminating a relationship after sharing physical affection would result in hurt and regret—a sin of injustice. That is why bonding is meant for the permanence found only in marriage.[23] So much emotional damage could be avoided if affection were saved for the betrothal and marriage stages.
Herein lies the wisdom of courtship over dating. Avoiding affection before its proper time will cultivate and defend virtue at all costs, or, as Saint Thomas Aquinas declared, “For a person is properly called our friend when we want some good thing for him.”[24] To love someone is to will the best for him or her. But to will the best for them, to truly love them, means that person will be better off by not showing affection before betrothal in case the relationship should unexpectedly end. Yes, there might be some level of disappointment, but you have made each other holier, for love triumphed over lust.
In the courtship stage, the man must look primarily to see if the woman will “submit to his lead” while the woman looks to see if the man will deny himself and sacrifice for her.[25] Self-denial is at the heart of this stage.[26] And if this virtue is evident, then the couple ought to proceed to the next stage.
Following courtship comes the betrothal/engagement stage when the man asks the father for permission to marry his daughter. Keep in mind that the father has the authority to end the courtship at any time or refuse his daughter’s hand in marriage, though most men today likely wouldn’t submit to this.[27] If the father agrees to the proposal and his daughter says “yes,” the couple still cannot show any affection until the formal betrothal, the mutual promise of marriage.
There is a liturgical Rite of Betrothal[28] that takes place at a church along with a priest and two witnesses, accompanied by beautiful prayers and blessings. The Rite of Betrothal has been passed down to us by our Jewish elders. In this rite, the couple promises in the name of the Lord to take their future spouse in holy Matrimony. The priest also takes the two ends of his stole and, in the form of a cross, places them over the couple’s hands, witnessing their “formal” proposal to marry. The man will then place the engagement ring on his fiancée’s finger and the priest will bless it.
After the betrothal, the couple can engage in some levels of affection.[29] By the formal betrothal, a couple is now bound to marry except for serious reasons. To prevent scandal, the engaged/betrothed couple should not be alone together. A man must protect other people’s views of his future spouse.[30] The woman begins to follow the man’s lead. Hence the betrothal period is a time for a couple to intensify their prayer life as they prepare for marriage.
Like the friendship and courtship stages, the betrothal/engagement stage lasts between three to six months depending on the diocese.[31] The principal action is for the couple to grow in the virtue of moderation.[32] The couple spends more time together than in the previous stages, in order to develop their virtues together. The couple must work to avoid anything that could violate the sixth and ninth commandments.[33]
Marriage is the final stage of courtship. God does not want you to have a good marriage. No, God wants you to have a holy and blessed marriage! God wants you to experience heaven now through your vows, though at times you may experience suffering to further detach you from this life. Above all, God wants you to marry your best friend—the person who will help you carry your cross daily. Men, God wants you to be Saint Joseph for your spouse. And women, God wants you to be Mary for your husbands.
There are many important virtues to look for in your spouse, but they do not make up the heart of this book. Virtues top the checklist when sizing up a potential spouse during the courtship process. They become a “sort of examination of your future spouse.” Although this book is about the stories of saints and how they met, it would be an oversight not to touch briefly on the virtues that one ought to look for in a spouse. First is the virtue of charity. A man or woman who does not love God cannot love his neighbor, and whoever does not love their neighbor cannot love God (see 1 Jn. 4:20). A man who loves his spouse more than God does not truly love her. He must love God more than her.
Chastity, the perfect integration of body and soul, is nonnegotiable when finding a spouse. Those who are addicted to pornography without fighting this evil can never genuinely love, because their heart is divided. Pornography is one of the greatest threats to marriages today. At the same time, couples’ actions need to be pure toward one another.
The virtue of humility means having an accurate picture of oneself and how one stands in relation to God. It is the opposite of pride. A proud spouse will make for a hellish marriage. He or she will rarely admit they are wrong. They resemble Satan who came not to serve but to be served.
Possession of the virtue of patience, an exercise of the cardinal virtue of fortitude, is a strong indicator of whether you and your spouse will have a blessed marriage. Specifically, how well does your future spouse suffer patiently? Marriage is the school of suffering. From potential child loss to job loss, not to mention being purified daily by your spouse’s weaknesses and flaws, you will be tested like never before. Find someone who does not flee from the cross but, rather, embraces it.
It is worth mentioning the importance of temperaments in relationships. Temperaments refer to our natural tendencies and reactions to situations. The notion of temperaments existed long before Christ, going as far back as Hippocrates (c. 460–377 BC), who is often credited with helping to define them. Although we are born with temperaments (there are four of them: choleric, melancholic, sanguine, and phlegmatic), they can change over time. Knowing your temperament and your spouse’s temperament can lead to a more tranquil marriage, especially when it comes to communication.
In the book The Temperament God Gave You, Art and Laraine Bennett remind us that, “Temperament differences are not in themselves enough to make or break a relationship.”[34] The authors further declare, “Many people marry someone of the opposite temperament, and do manage to build happy, long-lasting marital relationships. That’s because what is most important is that your spouse’s values and beliefs—not his temperament—are the same as yours. Yet complementarity in temperament is generally a boon to relationships, provided the partners develop mutual respect for their different styles. A family is enriched by having varied approaches and perspectives on a situation.”[35] Temperaments are not deal breakers, but they should be given greater importance than a person’s physical features. At the same time, temperaments should be subordinate to virtue. But in the end, “grace builds upon nature”[36] as Saint Thomas Aquinas said. If a couple is willing to grow in holiness and love, God can work miracles no matter their differences.
Although not exactly mirroring the four stages of courtship, the following stories from Scripture, the saints, and those on their path to saintliness, provide a unique glimpse into how some of the saints (and those who raised saints) met their spouses. Experiencing a sacrificial and holy marriage until death is only possible with God’s grace. And these saints reveal firsthand that “with God all things are possible” (Matt. 19:26). For those called to marriage, God expects nothing less than a saintly marriage, which begins by studying some of the greatest courtships and marriages in the history of the Church.
[1] Lovasik, Clean Love in Courtship, 1–2.
[2] “Courtship,” Online Etymology Dictionary, etymonline.com/word/courtship.
[3] Lovasik, Clean Love in Courtship, 61.
[4] Sheen, Fulton J. Sheen’s Guide to Contentment, 15.
[5] A more complete checklist, almost like an examination of conscience to find the right spouse, can be found at the back of this book. It is called, “How to Choose Your Spouse.”
[6] Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America, 17.
[7] Bailey, From Front Porch to Back Seat, 17.
[8] Bailey, 26.
[9] For these reasons, courtship is recommended over dating, though the latter can also be holy, provided it is chaste and never loses sight of the end goal of marriage. Not every person will go through the four stages of courtship that will be spelled out shortly. In fact, as fewer people are getting married, dating can be a holy way that leads to marriage if God and His commands are the focal point of the two people’s lives. This type of dating resembles more “friendship dating,” listed under the first stage of courtship and mentioned in the later section, “For Those Discerning Marriage.” It is a period of getting to know someone without any signs of affection or expectations. Whether a man ultimately pursues a woman through these four stages of courtship, God calls him to pursue a lady with virtue, especially chastity and purity. And the same for the woman: she too must seek someone who practices chastity and purity.
[10] Fulton J. Sheen, “Courtship,” The Catholic World, June 24, 2014, https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=X3QTbVxO6kA.
[11] Sheen, “Courtship.”
[12] Sheen, “Courtship.”
[13] Sheen, “Courtship.”
[14] Sheen, “Courtship.”
[15] Chad Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship,” Sensus Fidelium. August 5, 2016. youtube.com/watch?v=r1V4w38v2mI. Note: These four stages are based on a variety of sources including Saint Thomas Aquinas’s writings as well as Catholic cultures prior to the twentieth century. These four stages are also based on basic human psychology and how certain things affect people.
[16] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[17] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[18] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[19] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[20] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[21] One must pay attention to the various impediments to marriage. Some priests have argued that if any man is struggling with pornography, he should not be courting a girl. Some will also argue that if there is significant debt, this is also an impediment. These are things to discuss with a holy priest. A wounded person should seek adequate healing before pursuing someone or being pursued.
[22] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[23] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[24] ST I-II 26, 4 ad 1.
[25] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[26] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[27] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[28] For more information on this topic see Gregory DiPippo’s article, “A Liturgical Rite of Betrothal,” New Liturgical Movement, www.newliturgicalmovement.org/2019/10/a-liturgical-rite-of-betrothal.html#.Xbhzf0ZKi70.
[29] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[30] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[31] Father Ripperger argues that the length of the courtship process (from the first meeting to the wedding day) should be between nine months and eighteen months. Others like Father T. G. Morrow contend that courtship should be at least eighteen months, ideally two years. This is based on a Kansas City study that Father Morrow suggested.
[32] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[33] Ripperger, “Four Stages of Courtship.”
[34] Bennett, The Temperament God Gave You, 79.
[35] Bennett, 80.
[36] Quoted in Bennett, 3.
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